on dissociative disorders online
trigger/content warnings for brief discussion of rape and abuse.
recently, i've been questioning whether i suffer from OSDD. which, for the uninformed, is a dissociative disorder that can present with symptoms similar to DID, which you may be familiar with as "multiple personality disorder."
before you grab your pitchforks and tell me "it's so rare! you couldn't possibly have this disorder!" DID alone (not counting OSDD) is present in about 1.5% of the population. redheads make up about 1-2% of the population.
i am a ginger.
just because it's unlikely does not make it impossible, and the instant dismissal of concerns of the disorder just because of it being uncommon makes people go undiagnosed and untreated for their pain and symptoms.
for me, it currently isn't that bad. i don't dissociate very often anymore. as a kid, though, i couldn't tell who my hands belonged to, who i was, or if i was dreaming. sometimes i still don't feel in control of my actions. occasionally i don't really recognize myself in the mirror, and i have to look away because i'm so freaked out.
this could be symptoms of another disorder. it could be OSDD, and i really, really want to see a doctor about this, but the fear of being dismissed and told that i'm "just scrolling too much" is paralyzing.
i firmly believed that most people who were accused of "larping" or "pretending to have" DID/OSDD were just misinformed and genuinely suffering. that was until i looked at tumblr, a bit curious to see the experiences of other "systems" (the collective term for a person's alters.) it was in that moment that i realized:
oh dear god, people actually ARE intentionally larping this disorder.
there's blogs dedicated to "becoming" a system and giving yourself OSDD/DID. there's blogs about how fun it is and why you should do it.
i can't tell who the hell i am most days, and you're treating it like it's a funny little personality quirk? you think you can gaslight yourself into giving yourself a disorder? oh, but it's not a disorder to you, it's just something fun to parade around to look quirky online.
for those who didn't read through much of the links i posted, DID and OSDD are formed through repeated and severe trauma, almost always as a child. being raped or abused, this can all cause DID/OSDD.
it is a disorder. you suffer to acquire the disorder. you suffer from the disorder's symptoms. it is called a disorder for a reason.
fuck, man. i'm probably not ever going to be able to taken seriously about this to anyone because of idiots on the internet.